So due to the following eveniments, I have faith problems in believing that Spiritual Satanism is good... the only things that keep me going are a special moment I had with my succubus right before getting possessed, and the forum which has people speaking about similar stories or the positive aspects of spiritual satanism.
I didn't come out of my own initiative on this side, I got seduced into. I was depressed and felt unloved, and couldn't care less about the world, part of me believes this is due to me being half-fire (my soul composition according to some website's charts), or due to being an old soul surrounded by lots of young people since I was always so mature for my age (part of me believes this was sent to me through my mother by a God, but I might be just paranoid and might be just my mother's evaluation).
As a result, I went and tried to summon Demons from google. I accessed the respective page of how to summon demons through google and not through jos' main page and thus was unaware that you should be dedicated, didn't even know about dedication, and I performed the how to summon demon rituals. It was for the Answers category and I wanted to ask about love. I felt the energy of Satan, my eyes started to vibrate and my heart beat faster as I was feeling lots of electricity within my body. Even before this event, I had a high voltage of emotions a few months before, thinking to myself "why do I want to be a God so badly?".
After this event, I asked the question, and 3 days later, a succubus came, seduced me, couldn't see but only barely some shape, and I went back and dedicated two weeks later (had some reading done). As well, my astral senses got forcefully opened that night I got visited by the succubus.
Due to the visit, I felt fear and confusion and believed I had tinnitus for quite a while, but I settled in the end on the decision to give spiritual satanism a try, mostly because I believed for some reason my love was there.
The headaches from the forced opening and the buzzing noise lasted for over a month and the openness within my head got in the way of my training creating several other problems, such as feeling my bones cracking, more headaches, heart problems, testicle problems, etc. I felt like dying many times. So I believed I paid my price in pain, and was still grateful for the gift. The main problem is that I had a really hard time concentrating due to the constant headache and loud noise from my head. That led to several mistakes as well not only due to my head being forced open by itself.
2 weeks into spiritual satanism, I wrote a letter in my third ritual to Satan and I asked to get to know the succubus better. Since then I had constant visits with a few weeks time-gap in-between till a certain event happened and the visits became regular. However in those in-between weeks I constantly experienced lots of fear and pain from the 40 days program and other trainings. I even had negative thoughtforms sent me fear to keep me away from doing rituals to Satan, such as, "don't think about sucking Mother Lilith's tits, the forces of Darkness won't be able to discern between the thoughts from your head and mine and they will punish you for being so rude". Yes, I wrote something ugly but I had to present an example.
However, through it all, due to the showed loved, even though I opened extremely fast and I started seeing the astral bodies and what-not right away, I survived thanks to the love I felt from my succubus.
Right before the possession we had the most beautiful moment ever when she "cracked my shell". And we could barely talk to each other.
Afterwards, the possession happened... There was this other God who visited my constantly when I had trouble, and I believe or believed since I am unsure, that he's my Guardian Demon. He helped me when the energy was too highly condensed in my head through sealing the holes in my soul/body and prevent the energy from leaking in. That's one example of his kindness.
One day I felt really bad, as if I was dying, and I screamed for help using the only name I knew would help, which is Satan. Someone came pretending to be Satan but I got trapped into a deep trance where I was seeing astral bodies even tho I became more closed due to me being unable to train anymore since I opened too quickly and I had concentration problems and other pains. The trance felt similar to when I saw this angel-like figure (had wings, but I know demons have them) with a shadow over his face, just sitting at the side of my bed and healing me (the possible Guardian Demon). I believe that he might have sent a thoughtform to heal me but the thoughtform got errored or something. He cut some karma strings between me and him and thus cut our relationship just a few days before when I was with my succcubus, the reason being that "I keep summoning him without wanting". Now that I went through so many trances I believe that the reason might be due to me having fears or me having created many small separate light thoughtfroms instead of creating an aura of protection since I divided my aura of protection training into steps to concentrate on different parts of the body separately. And the thoughtforms were speaking instead of me? Idk, those are all presumptions, but he cut something for sure and since then he didn't show up anymore, but the thoughtform pretending to have the mission of healing me when I screamed for help after Satan, did remain.
Once the first 3 months of adventure stopped (where lots of suffering was involved but the love of my succubus as well), 4 more months of pain came, during those 4 months, I suffered through countless hypnosis not daring to move an inch even in the small moments I became aware of things, due to me believing honestly that the thoughtform was sent by a God to heal me, but I was being very illogical many times. Initially I believed that the Gods themselves were there for me trying to heal me but I don't get what they're trying to heal and I didn't believe that a God had so much time to give up their daily lives for me and thus I concluded it's just stupid and their identity changed to just the thoughtforms of Gods and not the Gods themselves. Yes, they changed their identities.
In those first 4 months, I got into the hospital 5 times, beaten by the police, beat up my mother (not me, the thoughtforms), I attempted (or my body, I wasn't clear-minded) suicide 11 times and got lucky to survive. The thoughtforms are controlling my movements, my voice sometimes, and my thoughts. There's a narrator constantly describing everything when I try to make analysis and thus not making me realize which voice is my own, and there's this voice that's constantly speaking over me, through repetition (literally repeating what I realize or say, but this is just a guess it could be I became paranoid), and the way the voice sounds is very similar to mine as it sounded in my own head before all this happened, at least it's a guess that I could hear my own voice in my own head before this all happened since such matters never interested me before I became a spiritual satanist (and I became one after connecting science and spirituality by deepening myself into science through becoming a biotechnology student).
I nearly died in a car accident.
On top of the possession, they're using their spiritual bodies to semi-materialize and use pressure on specific acupressure points on my head thus constantly messing with my thoughts and even stopping my rationality through sheer pressure applied on the rationality center which is on the top left of my head as I knew before the trance.
After 4 months of possession I finally managed to break free and started to perform rituals again, to meditate again, and to do rituals again. It felt amazing when I was able to do suryae (as it sounds in my language) and do aura of protection, or after void meditation, but they created self-defense systems to prevent me from doing meditations. I started doing rituals, hours and hours, 9 hours per day for a week. Afterwards a specialised person came and tried to help me and the thoughtform with all the complex systems and identities got reduced to a "base form", and the Guardian Demon whose identity I suspect due to the first demon I summoned but won't say because I might be wrong and I don't wanna form a bad reputation at his address, showed up too.
I believed he showed up together with my succubus, because that's what was shown to me by the thoughtform, but it was merely the thoughtform taking on a different identity... my heart was toyed with as I believed this for the past 1 month. and thus add it all to 8 months and a half of suffering nearly, over 5 months of possession. I started struggling again but they get so aggressive the moment I do that I risk getting beaten by the police again for my body is controlled, I am traumatised. They simply don't touch me in some moments of my life due to part of one of the roles they created, such as when I am typing. Their main role was to heal me and thus to conserve EVERYTHING within me so it can be repaired, I had to "have the ability to reconstruct things" they said, and as a result they only picked on abilities I had that I knew how to reconstruct. I didn't know how to reconstruct my typing speed since I started working on it when I was 5 and didn't built it like my ability to kick the ball from specific angles for instance, I'm a natural typist, that's the code for not getting an ability touched, to be a natural at it. I know it's merely their games, but it's the way this possessed body gets influenced.
Because of that, my true-self started "leaking" as a metaphor, through the moments they didn't touch, but it doesn't work properly because I am aware that I am able to type only because they don't touch me, the moment I try to visualize or do any sort of meditation, even if I keep the laptop in front of me, they attack me and I can barely perform some rituals. Thus, I have only 2 ways out since my entire existence is being corrupted...
Help back in life, or help back of life. And if back in life, back where? As a spiritual satanist when I mostly experienced only pain? I never loved before, NEVER, my first love (as a lover I meant, I love my mom for instance but as a lover I never had a lover before) was this Succubus. I don't understand love and thus I don't understand why I still believe that Spiritual Satanism can be good, but I know that the Succubus is the only reason, combined with the community here, why I still believe. But Spiritual Satanists and Gods can't help me. Spiritual Satanists would require my name or address, and this requires trust, and Gods require you to form a relationship with them from the website through one of their symbols, but I'm not allowed to meditate by the thoughtforms. The way out is Dignitas which is a Swiss foundation that assists suicide so you don't just get life-damaging injuries.
If the thoughtform is left by a God in an error (it's a possibility), how can I win? Based on all the shit I went through, I see them as very high-level thoughtforms, the various types of energies and condensations (sharp claws of soft feelings) indicate that they are too.
Please, I beg for help, the only reason why it's not allowed to help me is because you don't want your name out. I have nothing to lose anymore, please allow me to give my name out in a private message to a person of trust, such as a High Priestess or a person with very good reputation such as johnson_akemi, or a person that's GIVEN trust by one of someone who has my trust. That way you can send a God whose name is already on the website (so nothing intimate is being revealed), and have them help me, and I will use all of my efforts for as long as needed to pay you back through that same God.
Please let's use this system in order to help me and to save my life. I promise eternal gratitude, I am despairing too much and I cannot control anything in my life. I lost my identity in front of so many eyes due to them controlling me, and when I am not suffering (in their eyes, but on the inside yes) is because someone is repeating thoughts over my own thoughts and possessing me by stealing my very own identity. They believe I am okay when I am not. I simply cannot reach anyone and I cannot deal with this on my own T_T
I have a limited amount of money but I managed to get my mother to believe into Spiritualism (not spiritual satanism, but spiritualism) through explaining some science and have her meet those people I found that do spiritualism in their own time. Because of that, she would pay anything to help me. Please, if you wanna offer your service, we will pay even for the transportation, doesn't matter where you live we can just come there too (me and my mom). We can even borrow a hotel room if you don't want us in your house.